Anger

I'm angry.

This has been building over the last few days, and I finally identified it on my way to work this morning. It's funny how we can recognize some emotions as soon as we feel them, and others take a while to sink in.

But anyway, I'm angry. I'm angry at Kevin for leaving me. We were supposed to grow old together. Now I face the possibility -- perhaps the likelihood -- of growing old and dying alone. I'm angry at the disease that took him from me. It's so unfair and fucked-up and his death was so pointless.

And I get angry sometimes when I see a couple happy together. I know that's wrong, I should be happy for them. But I just get envious and bitter because that's something that has been taken away from me. Then I feel ashamed for feeling such envy.

I hate feeling this way - I know it's normal in this situation to have these emotions, but it's difficult to reconcile all the conflicting feelings, and I hate most of all feeling powerless over them. Sadness, relief, despair, hope, anger, you name it - they churn and bubble up and I don't know what I'm going to feel at any given time.