Waking Up Crying

I've had  a few instances recently of waking up crying. I don't specifically remember whatever it was I was dreaming, but wake up extremely sad and anxious, to the point I am bawling my eyes out. 

Whenever this happens, it takes a few minutes to calm down and bring me back to myself. It's rather disturbing - I get anxious just writing about it, I'm afraid the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that I experience when it happens will return.

I have a feeling this will be happening to me for a while yet...maybe it's symptoms of PTSD setting in. Maybe I need to start seeing my therapist again - I really really don't want to do that, because therapy seems like such a chore to me.

On being alone

I find myself thinking a lot about being alone. It's a state in which I'm not yet entirely comfortable. I've been in a relationship pretty much my entire adult life so this is very new to me. I don't know how this is supposed to work. My mind tells me that I need to take time to learn who I am, get to know myself. But every part of my heart screams out that it doesn't want to be alone, and is afraid of waiting for fear that I'll miss out on someone special or that it will just plain be too late for me.

At the same time, if I try to imagine getting involved with someone new, being in a relationship right now would just feel wrong. There is someone I've been spending time with; I really, really enjoy his company and he's told me the feeling is mutual. We have great conversations; I always hate saying goodbye when we part ways. But he's made it clear he isn't looking for a relationship either.

The problem is that the more time we spend together, the more I want from him. I'm afraid to ask for more; I don't want to lose what we have. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like enough. I'm just so lonely and confused.

Lifting of burdens and spirits

I'm in a much better place than I was when I wrote the previous entry. I had a very nice holiday weekend with my in-laws. I gave notice at my job, which I wasn't enjoying. I'll be taking a break from working, to give me a chance to regroup and figure out what I want to be doing. I heard from my friend who had disappeared; he's ok, and while I'm sad that he has left Santa Fe, probably for good, I'm happy that he's alright and that he's gotten out of the very bad situation he was in.

I'm feeling gratitude and even contentment. I'm learning to live my life for myself, and not just to try and please others. I'm excited about what I have ahead of me, though a little scared at the same time. But that's not such a bad place to be.