Two days ago was our wedding anniversary. I had been dreading that day, as if one arbitrary moment in time we humans feel necessary to mark is more significant than another. I'm an emotional wreck. I have been unable to think clearly or get through a day without crying this week. Yesterday I couldn't even get out of bed until later in the day than I care to admit. Today I've wanted to go home early from work several times just because I can't stop myself from bursting into tears at some random thought, and I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.
But in the midst of all the anger and pain, there have been a few bright moments of delight and contentment. For example, two nights ago two friends and I carried out a clandestine late-night operation to plant a very special rose - one that had been given to us as a wedding gift three years ago - in the park across the street where it will receive care in perpetuity. My husband would have approved of this with whole-hearted glee, something which brought me simultaneous tears and laughter.
Then last night, the simple act of watching TV brought me great comfort - it was me and both dogs all curled up on the sofa; the most perfect scenario with my family, all together. I don't have the words to describe the sense of contentment that visited me, when just for a moment my family felt almost complete even without him there.
I know there's plenty more Grief - with its brethren emotions Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance - yet to come. And I don't know how I'll handle them, but as long as there are at least glimmers of Hope, Joy, Contentment, and Comfort mixed in, I know I'll be able to.
No comments:
Post a Comment