I traveled to Los Angeles this past weekend for my every-6-month checkup appointment with my cardiologist (it's a long story as to why I see a cardiologist so far from home. By the way, the appointment went well, everything is fine). The weekend was MUCH more difficult than I anticipated because, other than when I went to LA for his funeral (numb the entire trip), this was the first time I've gone to LA (out of countless trips) without Kevin.
So many aspects of the visit triggered loneliness, sadness, and even fear. Waiting at the doctor's office, where Kevin, with the clinical demeanor he normally reserved for his patients (he was a nurse), would always make sure we understood everything the doctor was saying. Visiting our friend who lives in Santa Monica, as we did so many times before. She lives just down the street from Palisades Park, the site of our wedding almost three years ago. Memories, that while very happy, are very painful to relive. That's quite a paradox, which I'm still trying to pick apart and understand.
Spending time with his sister was really hard - not because I don't like spending time with her, she's wonderful and I love her, but again, so many memories. Same thing with his dad.
Hell, for that matter just arriving at LAX...pulling up to the departures terminal...going through security...waiting for my flight. All those things that we did together, so many times, became almost unbearable to face alone.
But face them I did, and while I nearly dissolved into a puddle of tears and sobbing a few times over the course of the weekend, I made it.
No comments:
Post a Comment