I've caught myself several times in the past couple of weeks feeling extreme jealousy and bitterness towards people I see experiencing a very specific form of happiness. It's not like I'm jealous of or bitter towards everyone who's happy, but I am very much so towards "the happy couple".
For example, when I see a wedding on a TV show, while everyone else is shedding tears of joy, I'm shedding hot, angry tears of jealousy and sadness. When I see a couple holding hands, walking down the street, smiling and having an intimate conversation, I feel an almost uncontrollable sense of loneliness as well as bitterness towards them.
It isn't their fault, and I feel ashamed for feeling this way. But I can't help it. I want what they have; I want back what I had before it was taken away from me. It's so unfair!
While our relationship and our marriage wasn't perfect, it was mostly good and mostly happy; and Kevin and I did a lot of work to keep it that way. We worked on communication, we saw our therapists (both our individual therapists and our couples therapist) regularly; in short, we did everything in our power to keep our wedding vows. So to have all that so unceremoniously yanked away feels like a huge cosmic insult on top of injury.
I'm repulsed by these feelings I have; they stain my conscience and defile my sense of well-being. How do I get rid of the jealousy and bitterness and replace them with positive feelings towards these unsuspecting happy couples?
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