Lost and scared

I don't have any answers about my future. I think that's the part that scares me the most, and the pain I experience every day is driven by fear, I'm sure of that.

My future really is wide open...I can do anything I want, be anyone I want...and I have no idea who I am or what it is I want. I have spent my entire life being what everyone else needs, and I don't know what *I* need. I'm clueless and it scares the shit out of me because I'm afraid I won't figure it out before my time on this plane is finished. I'm so lost and scared...

Wedding thoughts

This evening, I went to the wedding reception of a friend and coworker. I had prepared myself to be pretty miserable (see my previous post on jealousy & bitterness). After all, it was supposed to remind me of one of the happiest times of my life, and how I had lost it all when Kevin died.

But I actually kind of enjoyed myself. I chatted with some people I knew from work, and just had a nice relaxed time. On top of that, in spite of my expectations (and to my astonishment), I actually felt genuinely happy for the bride and groom.

Of course there were a couple of moments, as I was talking to someone about travel and describing some of the travel Kevin and I had done, that I felt sad, but it was more of a wistful kind of sad than the soul-crushing sorrow I have felt.

I'll take progress any way I can get it.