Pushing Through

I've been through a lot of changes the past few years.

I've experienced more grief and loss than I ever imagined I could withstand.

Realizing that I don't know who I am, at age 50.
Who I thought I was, I've found was just who I thought everyone else wanted me to be.

So this has been a time of extreme introspection, looking mostly unflinchingly at who I am and what I want.

Putting my needs first.

Forcing myself to not be Caretaker; allowing myself to be taken care of.

Being vulnerable...open...receptive to ideas, thoughts, dreams, paradigm shifts.

Giving myself permission to question.
I may never have all the answers, but at least I'm beginning to ask the questions.

Listening to the universe... willing to hear what it's saying. Her voice is soft and sweet...but sometimes she speaks in tongues I don't understand.

So I keep listening...and living my life. That's all I can do.

A Season of Grief

My posts have been few and far between as of late. On the surface it seems like it's because my life has been quite busy the past few months...I'm in a new relationship which is going extremely well, and I feel quite happy. I was out of the country for 3 weeks in January. After returning from that trip, I came down with the flu, and it took me about 3 weeks to fully recover from that. So a lot of things have been holding my attention and consuming my time.

But if you look just under all that, I feel I've been grieving very hard the past month or two. Spring has always been my least favorite season, ever since I was a child. I'm not sure why I disliked it so much then, but now as an adult there are a lot of reasons, all related to various forms of grief.

My late husband's birthday was February 27. I tried to treat it like any other day, but that was a failure. My mom passed away March 9, 2012, so I have that anniversary coming up; similarly, my dad died June 26, 2009. On top of that, my siblings' birthdays are all in the spring, and I haven't seen my sister or one of my brothers in almost 4 years; it's been even longer since I've seen my other brother. So there's some grief associated with that, as well as a healthy dose of guilt.

I'm getting through it, but it isn't fun. Still, I think I'm gonna be OK. Thank you for reading.

On Your Birthday

Hello Kevin. Today would have been your 52nd birthday. We would probably be in LA visiting Lew and Jean like we did so many times on this day.

I still miss you, every day. Not a day passes that I don't think about you and our life together. And of course I feel sad, but I'm doing ok. I have more good days than bad ones. And I always feel that you're with me, as if you're watching over me, making sure that I'm ok. Making sure that I'm not alone.

And I am absolutely certain that you approve of the way I'm moving forward with life - you wouldn't have wanted me to give up, which easily could have happened. I'll always love you...and I'll always feel your presence in my life - how could I not?

On Traveling Solo

I just returned from a trip overseas. This was really the first time I've ever gone on a trip of more than a long weekend by myself, and it took some adjusting. But it really wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. And by "bad", I mean I was kind of expecting to feel crushing loneliness and overwhelming anxiety. Granted a couple of old friends met me at the destination (the trip was actually their idea) and we spent a lot of time together over the course of the week. But I was genuinely solo for a couple of days, and once I got used to it, I actually enjoyed the sense of freedom I felt. Baby steps...

Waking Up Crying

I've had  a few instances recently of waking up crying. I don't specifically remember whatever it was I was dreaming, but wake up extremely sad and anxious, to the point I am bawling my eyes out. 

Whenever this happens, it takes a few minutes to calm down and bring me back to myself. It's rather disturbing - I get anxious just writing about it, I'm afraid the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that I experience when it happens will return.

I have a feeling this will be happening to me for a while yet...maybe it's symptoms of PTSD setting in. Maybe I need to start seeing my therapist again - I really really don't want to do that, because therapy seems like such a chore to me.

On being alone

I find myself thinking a lot about being alone. It's a state in which I'm not yet entirely comfortable. I've been in a relationship pretty much my entire adult life so this is very new to me. I don't know how this is supposed to work. My mind tells me that I need to take time to learn who I am, get to know myself. But every part of my heart screams out that it doesn't want to be alone, and is afraid of waiting for fear that I'll miss out on someone special or that it will just plain be too late for me.

At the same time, if I try to imagine getting involved with someone new, being in a relationship right now would just feel wrong. There is someone I've been spending time with; I really, really enjoy his company and he's told me the feeling is mutual. We have great conversations; I always hate saying goodbye when we part ways. But he's made it clear he isn't looking for a relationship either.

The problem is that the more time we spend together, the more I want from him. I'm afraid to ask for more; I don't want to lose what we have. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like enough. I'm just so lonely and confused.

Lifting of burdens and spirits

I'm in a much better place than I was when I wrote the previous entry. I had a very nice holiday weekend with my in-laws. I gave notice at my job, which I wasn't enjoying. I'll be taking a break from working, to give me a chance to regroup and figure out what I want to be doing. I heard from my friend who had disappeared; he's ok, and while I'm sad that he has left Santa Fe, probably for good, I'm happy that he's alright and that he's gotten out of the very bad situation he was in.

I'm feeling gratitude and even contentment. I'm learning to live my life for myself, and not just to try and please others. I'm excited about what I have ahead of me, though a little scared at the same time. But that's not such a bad place to be.